MEDIOCRE MARCH MOVIE MALARKEY Round 2

3/19/2015

40 movies reviewed. One will be crowned most malarkick!

Round 1 recap: Sharknado with the unsurprising upset over The Revisionaries.

Round 2 clever text here.

9 Comments

Bryan

3/19/2015 02:58:11 pm

My vote is in!

Warm Bodies could sentimentally cindarella its way to the finals.

Frances Ha v Up innnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I fell asleep for 45 minutes just thinking about this matchup

I’m up! Love this matchup. Completely serious vs completely cute. I’m going cute.

Kells and Connection both tell old stories. Kells holds up.

In honor of Robin Williams

Another awful matchup where Glengarry screams the same obscenities at The Sea Inside. They both dive in a shallow pool together.

No way Bruce Lee leaves a gun on the kitchen counter.

Butch and the Sundance kid gun down the entire cast of Sharknado in 10 seconds.

If we didn’t quote Manhunter so much, I’d probably hate it.

If we could avoid talking about Dear Zachary, that’d be great.

The kids from Y Tu Mama Tambien remind me of Ralph from the Simpsons

Machete probably needs some counseling

Major League jokes still land.

A Hijacking was unexpectedly awesome. Here it expectedly dominates.

All those monsters in the cabin just got napalmed.

What if the whole Boyz neighborhood is an elaborate scam?

Shane

3/21/2015 07:22:54 am

Bruce Lee can beat up 40 nameless thugs and an inexplicably effeminate gangster, but can he restart someone's heart with adrenaline? Absolutely. But he still falls to Pulp Fiction.

A tough 8/9 type math-up here. Holy Motors confuses the zombies and everyone else as that weird looking guy with the raging boner leads the band to victory for Holy Motors.

Sharknado puts up a good fight, but Paul Newman's one-liners are way better.

After manhunting Taxi-Driver, agent Graham admits that Dinero's crazy is superior to Bryan Cox's.

Frances Ha and Up in the Air. Both about people going through life-changes and trying to be adults. Frances forgets to show up to the battle and is too busy being a raging douchebag play-fighting with adults.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly cruises to an easy victory as Tuco runs circles around Tiny Tim to a superior score.

Killer Joe can't fellate his way past that hot Spainish chick fellating her way to victory.

Machete don't do feelings, until he's forced to confront his own childhood demons via emotionally scarred children.

Kells tries to weave a beautiful tapestry to oppose the French Connection's dirty city. But Hackman calls Kells a stupid Mic and other European slurs, remaining unaffected .

Spaceballs with the upset here. Hard to compete with all of those assholes.

Don Jon prefers to show us. A Hijacking sneaks around to a quiet and tense victory by simply showing the fruits of victory.

Apocalypse Now crushes Cabin in the Woods on the strength of pure insanity and napalm.

In a World wins here as awkward Demetri Martin confuses Robin Williams so much that he refuses to come out of his hovel.

Coffee is for closers. Paralyzed people can't close anything, not even a door. GTFO, The Sea Inside.

Boyz N the Hood claims its turf and kicks all of those gentrifying sons of bitches from the game out.

Bryan

3/21/2015 08:22:46 am

"Spaceballs with the upset here. Hard to compete with all of those assholes."

I see you're still bitter from the fantasy draft and the Barves tanking in November.

shane link

3/21/2015 04:25:29 pm

Bryan

3/22/2015 02:20:09 am

Neil Walker + Ben Zobrist side bet?

shane

3/21/2015 04:25:55 pm

At least I have middle infielders.

Jon

3/21/2015 05:27:53 pm

Sick burn, bro.

Jon

3/21/2015 05:31:40 pm

Game 11 – Mr. Shit bites off R’s nose but R feels no pain, though he does get mildly discomfited by Mr. Shit’s giant hard-on. The noseless zombie and the fully erect troll just stand and stare at each other before flipping a coin to decide who gets to move on.

Game 12 – Frances Ha is an aimless version of Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, and Ryan Bingham knows how to get 20-something females to the next stage in their lives. In this contest, he deliberately gives Frances bad advice and leaves her behind.

Game 13 – There’s two kinds of Muppets in the world: the ones that live on Sesame Street and the funny ones. Neither kind can hold a candle to the Ecstasy of Gold scene in Good, Bad, and Ugly.

Game 14 – Another coin flip match. Popeye Doyle against forest sprites and blocky Vikings shouldn’t be this difficult a decision, but that animation was seriously impressive. French Connection’s influence makes the difference.

Game 15 - In a world where stalking is considered cute and everyone loves asshole Jeff Bridges for some reason, 2014 Mediocrity winner Lake Bell easily advances to Round 3.

Game 16 – Alec Baldwin’s Blake and Javier Bardem’s Ramon get into an argument in Ramon’s second story bedroom, Blake remembers he’s got an expensive watch and doesn’t have to listen to this, pushes Ramon out the window and finishes the job. Ramon is grateful.

Game 17 – English, motherfucker, do you speak it? Not well, says Bruce Lee, hence all the bad dubbing. Vincent Vega absentmindedly shoots Lee in the head.

Game 18 – Can Sharknado continue its Cinderella run? No. Let us never speak of it again.

Game 19 – In this game of several psychopaths versus one psychopath, Travis Bickle emerges victorious. You would take a first date to a porno, wouldn’t you, you son of a bitch?

Game 20 – Iggy touches the Bagby’s, trying to discover their dark secrets. They just want their son and grandson back. Iggy slinks away in a puddle of tears.

Game 21 – Overt sexuality versus deviant sexuality. Gina Gershon’s bush versus Diego Luna’s penis. Dongs take it.

Game 22 – Machete don’t stand a chance against Short Term 12.

Game 23 – Spaceballs pulls the upset by virtue of having >10 laughs against Major League’s 2.

Game 24 – I’ll take any Scandinavian movie over any movie about New Jersey.

Game 25 – If Kurtz and his cult were in one of Cabin’s glass boxes, they’d be the scariest thing in that whole movie. The trigger that would cause their release would be a Big Mac, based on that one time Bart Simpson had to deliver a shipment of Big Mac’s to Marlon Brando’s island. That, or an orange cut to look like teeth. The point is, Apocalypse Now easily advances.

Game 26 – The Game was ripe for a first round upset, had the benefit of facing off against one of the worst movies we’ve reviewed. It limps to a second round exit.

Bryan

3/22/2015 02:20:35 am

The majority of this makes no sense. I can't tell what movies are actually in the matchup.

MEDIOCRE MARCH MOVIE MALARKEY Round 2

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