Winterfell
(Editors Note: I will add scores later in a new post)
In our opening scene, we get a GOT classic with Varys’ lack of genitalia being mocked. +5 for Varys and another +5 to our favorite whisperer for a solid comeback. Tyrion’s eunuch joke isn’t great, but his comeback to Varys is enough to get Varys to stare in disbelief. So that double-down gets Tyrion his first 10 points of the year for a savage retort.
Speaking of staring in disbelief, the Winterfellians stare at Grey Worm and Missendei wayyy too long. A nice lingering shot from director David Nutter and a great touch of Missendei’s nonverbal communication here. She gets +5 for her stare to Grey Worm. I love the show and don’t tell. I don’t know if Grey Worm even picked it up.
It’s nice to see Jon returning home to see Bran for the first time in years. Even if Bran is claiming he got a spectrum disease from vaccines or whatever. But I like the double-speak when Jon says Bran is a man and Bran (+5) replies, “Almost.” In a really weird Bran episode, it’s the most human we see him.
And another +5 to Nutter and the crew for making Jon look almost as tall as Sansa. That’s some great depth perception. If they just apply that to some white dog in the background, we might get a Ghost sighting.
Anyway, Sansa also gets a +5 for accurately describing Arya as “lurking somewhere.” I remember a couple of dudes in college that just seemed to lurk everywhere. Especially the freshman guys who just never left the party and couldn’t figure out why the senior sorority girl just wasn’t interested. Almost all of them were townies. I think townies have to be extra lurkier by definition. Sansa later notches another funny quip (+5) by saying the Purple Wedding “had its moments” and devastates Tyrion with a “I used to think you were smart” walk off. (+10)
Dany is granted Winterfell, but Jon sorta granted it to her already when he pledged his, uhhh, sword to her. I’ll grant her half points (+7.5). Sansa and Dany are both +10 for joining an alliance. Jon Snow gets nothing because he joined the alliance fully last season and was demoted.
Lowkey episode near MVP Ned Umber is trusted to go rouse his people. He could have been treated as a puppet but instead gets a promotion (+10). I see a bright future for that kid.
Speaking of promotions, it seems as if Lyanna Mormont is now the Voice of the People instead of just Lady of Bear Island. (+10)
Why stop now with the promotions? It’s not just Gendry. It’s not Gendry: Master of Arms. (+15)
(Editors Note: I will add scores later in a new post)
In our opening scene, we get a GOT classic with Varys’ lack of genitalia being mocked. +5 for Varys and another +5 to our favorite whisperer for a solid comeback. Tyrion’s eunuch joke isn’t great, but his comeback to Varys is enough to get Varys to stare in disbelief. So that double-down gets Tyrion his first 10 points of the year for a savage retort.
Speaking of staring in disbelief, the Winterfellians stare at Grey Worm and Missendei wayyy too long. A nice lingering shot from director David Nutter and a great touch of Missendei’s nonverbal communication here. She gets +5 for her stare to Grey Worm. I love the show and don’t tell. I don’t know if Grey Worm even picked it up.
It’s nice to see Jon returning home to see Bran for the first time in years. Even if Bran is claiming he got a spectrum disease from vaccines or whatever. But I like the double-speak when Jon says Bran is a man and Bran (+5) replies, “Almost.” In a really weird Bran episode, it’s the most human we see him.
And another +5 to Nutter and the crew for making Jon look almost as tall as Sansa. That’s some great depth perception. If they just apply that to some white dog in the background, we might get a Ghost sighting.
Anyway, Sansa also gets a +5 for accurately describing Arya as “lurking somewhere.” I remember a couple of dudes in college that just seemed to lurk everywhere. Especially the freshman guys who just never left the party and couldn’t figure out why the senior sorority girl just wasn’t interested. Almost all of them were townies. I think townies have to be extra lurkier by definition. Sansa later notches another funny quip (+5) by saying the Purple Wedding “had its moments” and devastates Tyrion with a “I used to think you were smart” walk off. (+10)
Dany is granted Winterfell, but Jon sorta granted it to her already when he pledged his, uhhh, sword to her. I’ll grant her half points (+7.5). Sansa and Dany are both +10 for joining an alliance. Jon Snow gets nothing because he joined the alliance fully last season and was demoted.
Lowkey episode near MVP Ned Umber is trusted to go rouse his people. He could have been treated as a puppet but instead gets a promotion (+10). I see a bright future for that kid.
Speaking of promotions, it seems as if Lyanna Mormont is now the Voice of the People instead of just Lady of Bear Island. (+10)
Why stop now with the promotions? It’s not just Gendry. It’s not Gendry: Master of Arms. (+15)
Let’s Shoot Over to Kingslanding!
First, we get a ballless joke about Theon from Euron. I’m awarding Theon 5 points even though he’s not there. Euron gets 5 points for the joke too. Much better crafted than Tyrion’s. Euron doesn’t stop there, though. He gets himself a promotion to Official Queen Fucker, as was his goal (+15).
Cersei drops a very memeable line with, “If you want a whore, buy her” (+10), but then demotes herself to whore queen? (-5 for half a demotion) I’m not sure where she was going there with that line, but that big ol’ empty room must have been suffocating in the moment.
Their coupling earns Cersei 10 points and Euron 20 points for sex with a King/Queen. Another 5 points to Cersei for her post-coital insult that Euron took as a compliment in his refractory period haze. She drinks wine and gets a random 10 points.
My mans Bronn gets 5 points for sex with a nameless whore (unless the whore’s name is Martha. Does anyone know who Martha is?) Another 5 points for the dragon pick-up line, not that he needed because, you know, that’s not how purchasing sex usually works. But being polite and interesting always goes a long way. Bronn gets a promotion (+15) to Queen’s Official Sibling Assassin (one who assassinates siblings, not one who is a sibling who assassinates) as well. Interesting she didn’t kill her brothers when they were just home.
Just outside of Kingslanding and in Blackwater Bay, we finally get some redemption. It’s a quick scene, but your boy Theon cleans up. Hard to tell how many kills he gets, but we’ll give him the deaths of Mac, Gilfoyle, and the final guard. At 5 points each, Theon gets 15 more points.
Let’s head back to Winterfell, shall we?
Back to Winterfell
Tyrion gets a quick joke in (+5) about the Seaworth sigil. And, friends, I am sucker for sigil humor.
Unfortunately, I had to watch the dragon love scene again. Ugh. Couldn’t we have hung with ghost a little instead of a How to Train Your Dragon Knock Off? Anyway, +15 for Jon Snow for becoming a dragon rider. And +5 for Drogon for becoming a jealous older brother type with that flex. And I’m glad they give Jon a funny line (you’ve ruined horses for me) as Kit Harrington dos have some solid acting chops.
We get two fantastic reunions in the blacksmith hall.
Arya gets nasty and reminds The Hound that she robbed (+10) him before she left him to die. And we have two non-traditional promotions here for Arya that I’ll award partial points to. First, the Hound elevates Arya into his book of Known Badasses (+5). Second, and maybe I’m just shipping too hard, but Gendry puts Arya into adult female territory and lays it on thick (+5 to Arya and +5 to Gendry for the flirting). 100% more sexual tension here than between Dany and Jon last season.
Robbett Glover has decided to sit it out like a bitch. -10 for that jerk.
Sam doesn’t get much to do here, but he does break the news to Jon Snow that he’s actually the rightful heir to the Seven Kingdoms. That, friends, is a promotion at 15 points. I don’t know what he’ll do with it, but I’m awarding the points now.
Up to the Last Hearth For Some Terrifying Action
Dolorus Edd provides some comic relief and yell about Tormund’s blue eyes (+5).
Berric gets a huge kill of a named character. Killing children in this game is apparently something to get excited about. So he gets 25 points for killing Undead Terrifying Shriek Ned Umber with his flame sword.
Ned Umber gets himself a full 25 points for a death so memorable that I haven’t slept in 3 days.
Finally, our final points of the week go to The Night’s King for (likely) being the first one to kill Ned Umber. He gets himself 25 points.
Episode MVP
Our Episode MVP is…. Theon Greyjoy. He gets some deserved redemption here (finally). He also becomes human again. He has taken over his own thought process after having been robbed of being able to make choices. He chooses his sister not once (when he saved her), but for a second time when he told her he’d go to the Iron Islands with her instead of going back to Winterfell like he wanted. He put loyalty in front of selfishness. For that, Theon, you earn 25 points.
Others considered: Sansa, Arya, Euron
Episode Analysis:
Episode grade: B+
I know many out there weren’t feeling this episode, but I think it’s a perfect season opener. The audience needed to get reoriented after 2 years and we needed to get some meaningful reunions. More importantly, we’re getting some solid threads that will be fleshed out.
First: Cersei is more and more alone. She has isolated herself in her quest to maintain power. She sleeps with Euron after realizing he’s the only one left she has to impress with that power (and because she thinks it will tame him). Will this isolation get worse? Did Euron mean it when he said he was there to fuck a queen before changing sides?
Dany is is power hungry as well and seems to have forgotten her roots. She’s forgotten what made her different. Her mother persona is gone as she’s now demanding respect because it’s her birthright instead of for her attempts to break the wheel. She says out loud that she’s Sansa’s queen and therefor Sansa must respect her. She has forgotten that respect is earned. Love is earned. Fear only gets her so far and it can backfire. It’s already apparent that her unnecessary execution of Dickon Tarly is coming back to haunt her.
As discussed above, we get a redemption tale in Theon.
Sansa and Arya have settled into their roles as protectors of Winterfell. They make a great team. Sansa looms over every shot in some great camera work throughout the episode. I know Sophie Turner is tall, but the camera angles reinforce that she is towering over everyone as she seems to be one step ahead of the rest of the gang. Arya, likewise, wins every conversation she’s in. She’s confident because she knows how dangerous she is. But unlike Euron, she doesn’t feel the need to flaunt it.
Finally, we have Jon keeping his eyes on the big picture. I’m not sure that’s going to be enough, though. I don’t think his big picture thinking is contagious. Every person in his life is pulling him in a direction. All of us co-dependent folks watching at home know how awful this is. It’s a solid setup showing that Jon will be forced to do continue to do what is right and or follow his blind faith in Dany. I don’t envy his upcoming choices.
Did I miss anything? Does my scoring suck? Is mt grade absurd? Comment below!
First, we get a ballless joke about Theon from Euron. I’m awarding Theon 5 points even though he’s not there. Euron gets 5 points for the joke too. Much better crafted than Tyrion’s. Euron doesn’t stop there, though. He gets himself a promotion to Official Queen Fucker, as was his goal (+15).
Cersei drops a very memeable line with, “If you want a whore, buy her” (+10), but then demotes herself to whore queen? (-5 for half a demotion) I’m not sure where she was going there with that line, but that big ol’ empty room must have been suffocating in the moment.
Their coupling earns Cersei 10 points and Euron 20 points for sex with a King/Queen. Another 5 points to Cersei for her post-coital insult that Euron took as a compliment in his refractory period haze. She drinks wine and gets a random 10 points.
My mans Bronn gets 5 points for sex with a nameless whore (unless the whore’s name is Martha. Does anyone know who Martha is?) Another 5 points for the dragon pick-up line, not that he needed because, you know, that’s not how purchasing sex usually works. But being polite and interesting always goes a long way. Bronn gets a promotion (+15) to Queen’s Official Sibling Assassin (one who assassinates siblings, not one who is a sibling who assassinates) as well. Interesting she didn’t kill her brothers when they were just home.
Just outside of Kingslanding and in Blackwater Bay, we finally get some redemption. It’s a quick scene, but your boy Theon cleans up. Hard to tell how many kills he gets, but we’ll give him the deaths of Mac, Gilfoyle, and the final guard. At 5 points each, Theon gets 15 more points.
Let’s head back to Winterfell, shall we?
Back to Winterfell
Tyrion gets a quick joke in (+5) about the Seaworth sigil. And, friends, I am sucker for sigil humor.
Unfortunately, I had to watch the dragon love scene again. Ugh. Couldn’t we have hung with ghost a little instead of a How to Train Your Dragon Knock Off? Anyway, +15 for Jon Snow for becoming a dragon rider. And +5 for Drogon for becoming a jealous older brother type with that flex. And I’m glad they give Jon a funny line (you’ve ruined horses for me) as Kit Harrington dos have some solid acting chops.
We get two fantastic reunions in the blacksmith hall.
Arya gets nasty and reminds The Hound that she robbed (+10) him before she left him to die. And we have two non-traditional promotions here for Arya that I’ll award partial points to. First, the Hound elevates Arya into his book of Known Badasses (+5). Second, and maybe I’m just shipping too hard, but Gendry puts Arya into adult female territory and lays it on thick (+5 to Arya and +5 to Gendry for the flirting). 100% more sexual tension here than between Dany and Jon last season.
Robbett Glover has decided to sit it out like a bitch. -10 for that jerk.
Sam doesn’t get much to do here, but he does break the news to Jon Snow that he’s actually the rightful heir to the Seven Kingdoms. That, friends, is a promotion at 15 points. I don’t know what he’ll do with it, but I’m awarding the points now.
Up to the Last Hearth For Some Terrifying Action
Dolorus Edd provides some comic relief and yell about Tormund’s blue eyes (+5).
Berric gets a huge kill of a named character. Killing children in this game is apparently something to get excited about. So he gets 25 points for killing Undead Terrifying Shriek Ned Umber with his flame sword.
Ned Umber gets himself a full 25 points for a death so memorable that I haven’t slept in 3 days.
Finally, our final points of the week go to The Night’s King for (likely) being the first one to kill Ned Umber. He gets himself 25 points.
Episode MVP
Our Episode MVP is…. Theon Greyjoy. He gets some deserved redemption here (finally). He also becomes human again. He has taken over his own thought process after having been robbed of being able to make choices. He chooses his sister not once (when he saved her), but for a second time when he told her he’d go to the Iron Islands with her instead of going back to Winterfell like he wanted. He put loyalty in front of selfishness. For that, Theon, you earn 25 points.
Others considered: Sansa, Arya, Euron
Episode Analysis:
Episode grade: B+
I know many out there weren’t feeling this episode, but I think it’s a perfect season opener. The audience needed to get reoriented after 2 years and we needed to get some meaningful reunions. More importantly, we’re getting some solid threads that will be fleshed out.
First: Cersei is more and more alone. She has isolated herself in her quest to maintain power. She sleeps with Euron after realizing he’s the only one left she has to impress with that power (and because she thinks it will tame him). Will this isolation get worse? Did Euron mean it when he said he was there to fuck a queen before changing sides?
Dany is is power hungry as well and seems to have forgotten her roots. She’s forgotten what made her different. Her mother persona is gone as she’s now demanding respect because it’s her birthright instead of for her attempts to break the wheel. She says out loud that she’s Sansa’s queen and therefor Sansa must respect her. She has forgotten that respect is earned. Love is earned. Fear only gets her so far and it can backfire. It’s already apparent that her unnecessary execution of Dickon Tarly is coming back to haunt her.
As discussed above, we get a redemption tale in Theon.
Sansa and Arya have settled into their roles as protectors of Winterfell. They make a great team. Sansa looms over every shot in some great camera work throughout the episode. I know Sophie Turner is tall, but the camera angles reinforce that she is towering over everyone as she seems to be one step ahead of the rest of the gang. Arya, likewise, wins every conversation she’s in. She’s confident because she knows how dangerous she is. But unlike Euron, she doesn’t feel the need to flaunt it.
Finally, we have Jon keeping his eyes on the big picture. I’m not sure that’s going to be enough, though. I don’t think his big picture thinking is contagious. Every person in his life is pulling him in a direction. All of us co-dependent folks watching at home know how awful this is. It’s a solid setup showing that Jon will be forced to do continue to do what is right and or follow his blind faith in Dany. I don’t envy his upcoming choices.
Did I miss anything? Does my scoring suck? Is mt grade absurd? Comment below!