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Mediocre March Movie Malarkey

3/16/2015

5 Comments

 
40 movies reviewed. One will be crowned most malarkick!

Round 1. A ton of play-in games.
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Game 1: Max Rockatansky versus Bruce Lee. Both aren't great at English, but Mad Max gets the edge due to having 100% less strange soup-eating scenes.

Game 2: Don McLeroy versus Tara Reid. Equal intelligence levels results in these two movies bashing their heads against each other, but Revisionaries is much, much dumber and pounds Sharknado into submission.

Game 3: Manhunter versus Only God Forgives. I'll take a flaming wheelchair over a fondled uterus any day. Manhunter FTW.

Game 4: Doppelgangers versus demons. Two Mark Duplass's hold down Daniel Radcliffe while two Elisabeth Olsen's take turns stomping on his crotch.

Game 5: Killer Joe Cooper is uninterested in voting laws, introduces Mo Rocca to some K-Fried-C.

Game 6: Machete don't poop back and forth, forever.

Game 7: Lara Croft might give great helmet, but she's in an awful, awful movie. Spaceballs advances, poised for the Round 2 upset of Major League.

Game 8: A movie about physical masturbation versus mental masturbation. The edge goes to the much more entertaining version.

Game 9: Closest match of Round 1. Toss-up between Cabin in the Woods and Drinking Buddies, even call. If Cabin had gone with the Ballerina monster, it wouldn't be as close.

Game 10: Michael Douglas finds himself in an alternate dimension, is sure Sean Penn set him up. Meets a giant-eye monster, or something. I still don't know what was happening in John Dies at the End.
5 Comments
Jon
3/16/2015 03:27:37 pm

Who the fuck is Elisabeth Olsen? That would be two Elisabeth Moss's stomping on Daniel Radcliffe's crotch. I blew it.

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Sean
3/16/2015 03:32:02 pm

Elizabeth Olsen is sister of MaryKate and Ashley of Full House fame. She was in Godzilla and Oldboy and is Scarlet Witch in the upcoming Avengers sequel. She's at least as famous and probably more famous than Elizabeth Moss.

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Jon
3/16/2015 03:58:53 pm

True, but I was definitely smooshing Peggy Olsen and Elisabeth Moss together.

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Shane
3/17/2015 07:52:35 am

Toe Cutter and his weird doll is pretty fucking awesome, but I think Way of the Dragon beats Mad Max based on the strength of Lee's athleticism, obsession with soup (I'm a big soup fan), and the strangely effeminate bad guy. Oh yeah, show down with Chuck Norris was as good as any chase scene in Mad Max.

Sharknado just continues to defy the odds and pulls off the upset. Don McElroy could have just side-stepped out of the way of a shark coming at him, but he was in denial the shark existed.

Only God Forgives wins here. We have unintentionally stiff acting vs intentionally stiff acting. In the end, I think the sword wielding cop in Only God Forgives is better than any cop in Mnahunter. that cop would have killed Lecter long ago and built a statue of it.

A good match up here, but Horns takes the day on a match that was called 75% short. That a joke about how both plots stopped trying after 75%.

Kissel and I finally agree as the story of a man purchasing a possibly underage girl to be his lover is less corrupt than whatever Rocca was talking about. K Fried C for the win.

Machete don't poop back and forth forever. Pretty much.

Lara Croft keeps lookign for the treasure while Spaceballs just proclaims "We ain't found shit!". Spaceballs moonwalks to an easy victory.

Don Jon and Waking Life enter the ring. The bell rings. Waking life is still in its corner talking about God knows what and Don Jon crushes him with a chair. Another easy victory, only our second.

Cabin in the Woods and Drinking Buddies goes to the judges. The judges, sick of being bored by Drinking Buddies, give Cabin in the Woods the nod.

That door cannot be opened. Still a great line. John Dies at the End in an upset.

Reply
Bryan
3/17/2015 09:17:40 am

Way of the Dragon is much too fast for Mad Max. Dragons don't stand in the middle of the road.

Revisionaries has to be the most overrated team out there. How are they remotely close to the top half?

Manhunter's inside joke presence destroys that weird red movie.

Horns didn't fake it's realism in slight upset over Elisabeth Olsen.

Killer Joe knocks another documentary out of the tourney.

Me and you and everyone outscores Machete by 50 in the 2nd half.

Tomb Raider was a much funnier comedy than Spaceballs.

Don Jon 8, Waking Life 4 in the worst matchup every played.

The refs let Cabin in the Woods use all 13 of it's players in the last 5 minutes to seal the victory.

Jon dies early and is run over by The Game

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